Dancing in the Figurative Autumnal Rain

I started this Monday off by reflecting on the previous week and thought I’d try to put some of it into words. After months of struggling against the stream and just trying to keep my head above water I feel like I finally got a few tangible rewards last week. I think when one experience a period of hardship, it really makes one that much more grateful for the little things.

It began on Tuesday with being able to do three hours of work, which hasn’t been possible since June I noticed once I’d checked my calendar. I mean, I knew it’d been a while since I’d completed my three hours, but not that long. It felt great, to say the least, so I rewarded myself with a proper lunch out and a book to read beside it. That too felt absolutely amazing, being able to dive into a literary world without immediately being pulled back because of my body screaming for something or other. For a few hours I was blissfully satisfied. Friday brought the same achievement, another three hours! It felt amazing, like despite everything that demands my attention every single day health wise I could still be allowed a few moments of feeling invincible because of that sense of achievement that came alongside this.

I also enjoyed some wonderful hours in the company of really good friends. It’s friends like those that help keep my spirits up even on my darkest days, so to be able to share time together in the light as well is something I appreciate dearly.

I am feeling so grateful because these little (but simultaneously big) things have filled me up so much just when I needed it the most. The hard times are hard, but it gives me strength to outlast it knowing that there are these wonderful things waiting for me on the other side. Something worth fighting for.

To quote a song I’ve taken to listening to lately when I am just trying to get through the day, or am experiencing progress and just want to relish in that feeling:

“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me” – Fight Song, Rachel Platten. Listen on Spotify HERE

So, here’s to fighting, even when it just feels like you’re giving up. Some times fighting is simply getting through the day, going to bed and doing the same tomorrow.

We can do this, each and every one of us, that I believe. We just have to remember we’re the reed in the storm and not the oak; The oak might be strong and resilient, but eventually it breaks, but the reed bends with the pressure, and when the pressure lessens the reed rises once more.

So, until then, let’s dance in the figurative autumnal rain.

With love,

– Martie xx

Patience. Pacing. Positivity

I am beginning to see the light again, after almost four months of really ill health I can now slowly muster a bit more, and for that I am grateful because it is not fun to constantly have to turn down invitations and sit out the family birthdays. As if being ill in and of itself isn’t hard enough, but in addition it’s quite hard to be on the outside of what, in the moment, feels like almost everything. I’ve had to turn down the invitation for my cousin’s wedding, that was a hard one to swallow, not gonna lie; but it would include traveling as well as a party with many people, neither of which I am healthy enough to undergo in the foreseeable future. For now it is the routines at home that matter, and it is because I’ve stuck to them that things are looking up a little, slowly but surely!

Like yesterday! Yesterday I changed the tyres on my car for the first time in three and a half years! I’ve tried before, but my dad has always had to take over because I just couldn’t do all four. So yesterday was a proud moment for me, a sort of reward for making sure I take care of my body when it is down, and keeping it up. I took my sweet time and had plenty of breaks, and voila! Now whenever I get in my car this winter I’ll know that I was the one who did that, and it’ll no doubt put a smile on my face for a long time to come.

Babysteps is the key these days, not pushing too hard because I’m just getting my bearings again — and avoiding people with the flu like the plague! I imagine anyone with a bad immune system is taking some forms of precautions these days. I’m glad I can function more in my every day life again, I’m up to a few hours of work these last couple of weeks too, which is very rewarding! Not about to ruin these little joys with getting the flu, so ginger tea is my go-to!

I know the curve of my illness very well by now, there’s a good period and then there’s a bad period, and that’s how it goes, it just varies in severity and length. I found this setback especially hard because of hard I felt I’d worked with my treatments, listening to my body and treating it better, being healthier and the results I saw. I felt like I was soaring compared to how things had been at its worse, these things really makes you appreciate every little detail, and suddenly I was in the figurative basement. Again. When one health issue passed and I needed to rest up and recuperate, another obstacle would occur.

All I can say is that I’m very grateful for catching a break, and I hope it’s come to stay. I also hope to get back to a point where I can stay longer than 1,5-2 hours at work because I find it really rewarding to be there. Patience is key, and I feel like my patience has really been tested these last few months.

Had to remind myself of my three Ps. I’d sadly completely forgotten what they stood for, so here they are again, as a personal reminder, but maybe someone else can get something out of them too:

Patience. Pacing. Positivity.

Forwards and upwards, it’s the only way to go, so here’s to brighter autumn!

– Martie xx

The Old vs The New

I’ve come to discover lately how much I’ve changed, or not changed exactly; centered. It’s like I’ve come into my own — the paranoid, stressed and erratically insecure person I once was is just a memory of the past, she doesn’t exist anymore. Instead I’ve grown comfortable with who I am as a person and realised that it is exactly who I’m meant to be, it has brought me an inner calm that I haven’t known before and you know what? It’s glorious. 

Before I didn’t like to try new things or meet new people, I’d cringe at the mere thought. All those impressions and having to pay attention to everything and everyone and make sure I didn’t do anything that could be perceived as wrong…? It was exhausting, and with good reason! 

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying new things and new people, that I want to do it and I actually come out of it mentally refreshed because it gives me something in return, instead of taking my spark away it’s igniting it further. It’s still relatively new considering the twenty odd years things weren’t like that, so it still surprises me, like “oh I just came back from spending hours in social company and I feel amazing, how strange!” or “I don’t know why a part of me want to try this… so I’m going to do it!”

It’s like new discoveries and experiences are waiting for me wherever I look because I see things differently now. The world is no longer my enemy, it has become my friend, and I love it. 
– Martie xx